Gamemonger's life story

It all started when our (former movie) star, Gamemonger, woke up in a foxy forest. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling very exasperated, Gamemonger punched a dangerous oil-soaked rag, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Giggling like schoolgirl, he realized that his beloved iMac was missing! Immediately he called his former lay, RomanAtwood. Gamemonger had known RomanAtwood for (plus or minus) 20 years, the majority of which were eccentric ones. RomanAtwood was unique. He was outgoing though sometimes a little... funny-smelling. Gamemonger called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

RomanAtwood picked up to a very glad Gamemonger. RomanAtwood calmly assured him that most long-haired sea monkeys sneeze before mating, yet venomous koalas usually sassily belch *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Gamemonger. Why was RomanAtwood trying to distract Gamemonger? Because he had snuck out from Gamemonger's with the iMac only six days prior. It was a striking little iMac... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Gamemonger got back to the subject at hand: his iMac. RomanAtwood grimaced. Relunctantly, RomanAtwood invited him over, assuring him they'd find the iMac. Gamemonger grabbed his time machine and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, RomanAtwood realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the iMac and he had to do it aimlessly. He figured that if Gamemonger took the tricycle, he had take at least four minutes before Gamemonger would get there. But if he took the Ferrari? Then RomanAtwood would be ridiculously screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, RomanAtwood was interrupted by three funny-smelling sloths that were lured by his iMac. RomanAtwood grimaced; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he thoughtfully reached for his carrot and aggressively hit every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the secret vineyard, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Ferrari rolling up. It was Gamemonger.


As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of carrots, so he knew he was running late. With a calculated leap, Gamemonger was out of the Ferrari and went indiscriminately jaunting toward RomanAtwood's front door. Meanwhile inside, RomanAtwood was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the iMac into a box of gerbils and then slid the box behind his hippopotamus. RomanAtwood was displeased but at least the iMac was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' RomanAtwood explosively purred. With a careful push, Gamemonger opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying coke fiend in a homemade car,' he lied. 'It's fine,' RomanAtwood assured him. Gamemonger took a seat uncomfortably close to where RomanAtwood had hidden the iMac. RomanAtwood yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Gamemonger was distracted. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, RomanAtwood noticed a pestering look on Gamemonger's face. Gamemonger slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

RomanAtwood felt a stabbing pain in his ear when Gamemonger asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the iMac right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A clueless look started to form on Gamemonger's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ripened avocados from when she used to have pet albino cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Gamemonger nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before RomanAtwood could react, Gamemonger carefully lunged toward the box and opened it. The iMac was plainly in view.

Gamemonger stared at RomanAtwood for what what must've been eleven nanoseconds. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, RomanAtwood groped indiscriminately in Gamemonger's direction, clearly desperate. Gamemonger grabbed the iMac and bolted for the door. It was locked. RomanAtwood let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Gamemonger,' he rebuked. RomanAtwood always had been a little clueless, so Gamemonger knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before RomanAtwood did something crazy, like... start chucking dull pencils at him or something. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he gripped his iMac tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

RomanAtwood looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Gamemonger. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Gamemonger. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. RomanAtwood walked over to the window and looked down. Gamemonger was gone.


Just yonder, Gamemonger was struggling to make his way through the bush behind RomanAtwood's place. Gamemonger had severely hurt his shin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral sloths suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the iMac. One by one they latched on to Gamemonger. Already weakened from his injury, Gamemonger yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of sloths running off with his iMac.

But then God came down with His congenial smile and restored Gamemonger's iMac. Feeling relieved, God smote the sloths for their injustice. Then He got in His homemade car and whizzed away with the fortitude of 1.2 billion long-haired sea monkeys running from a enormous pack of legless puppies. Gamemonger stumbled with joy when he saw this. His iMac was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in nine minutes his favorite TV show, Dora The Explorer, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When man-eating capybaras meet contraceptive'). Gamemonger was pleased. And so, everyone except RomanAtwood and a few weapon of mass destruction-toting 3-legged wallabies lived blissfully happy, forever after.

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